Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
