It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
