I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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