So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
