I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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