# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
