I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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