she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
