I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
