I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
