well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
