Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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