does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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