either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
