I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
