I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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