it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Can I color on your dick again?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
