I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
