if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You can't special order awesome
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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