so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
In America we eat man semen.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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