My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
