I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
3pm strippers are depressing
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.