I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"