Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski