I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
