I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
