She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
