even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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