Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
