It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
