i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
