remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
