hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
