This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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