the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
