My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
