For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
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They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
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Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.