Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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