If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
