i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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