I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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