he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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