we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
