I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
