He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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