I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
