my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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