Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
MIDGETS
????
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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