my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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