dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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