I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
please come you make the beer taste better
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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