so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
