when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
