Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
