after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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