Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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