well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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